How excited are you? I’m so excited. It’s Valentine’s Day. And we’ve got a special theme for you. This month, Macaulay Culkin’s iPod presents is The Saved By the Bell Valentine’s Dance. No explanation needed, right? We’re all on the same page here? OK, quick recap:
1. Sit backwards in your seat.
2. Break the fourth wall. Stop your date to narrate how it’s going into the camera every 15 minutes.
3. Carry an oversized portable phone.
4. Wash your Zubaz before wearing them in public, guys.
5. Ditto for your Scrunchie, ladies, and that one guy who is going to wear a Scrunchie to be funny.
6. Wear a backward baseball cap, pastels, too much hair gel, and suspenders.
7. Get all of your friends together and dress as the whole gang. Bonus points for this.
8. Read Dustin Diamond’s autobiography, Behind the Bell. Yes, it exists.
9. Initiate a room-wide slow clap every time something poignant happens.
10. Dance on a mini-trampoline in spandex.*
1. Take an excessive amount of caffiene pills. Seems like a funny theme-appropriate activity. We don’t endorse it.
2. Talk like Screech. It’s super annoying. Theme-appropriate, yes, but we reserve the right to take away your drink.
3. Mention Saved By the Bell: The New Class. Ever. It didn’t happen. Neither did The College Years.
4. Mention the uh…um…racially insensitive parts of the show. We’re ignoring those.
5. Dress as Mr. Belding.
6. Not dress as Mr. Belding. If you dress as Mr. Belding you’re getting bonus points.
7. Explain what the bonus points are for, how you get them, or what they mean.
8. Bring home a duck named Becky. Also, don’t cover the duck in oil, even to prove a point. You’ll kill it, Zack.
9. Overcompensate the next day to make up for how weird it is to live in the world of Saved By the Bell. For cautionary tales see: 1. Diamond, Dustin 2. Berkley, Elizabeth. 3. Thiessen, Tiffani.
10. Forget your roots.
Got it? Dress like it’s the ’80s, but through the lens of the ’90s. Pretend you’re in high school. Play the jukebox. You know the drill. Bonus points if you know the name of Saved By the Bell the first season it was on, when it was a show about the teachers on a different network.
* You must provide your own mini-trampoline.